LIVE!

Most of the time, I’m fairly content to do nothing.  To just BE.  I actually enjoy “being” quite a lot.  Minimal expectations, enjoying the mere fact of just existing and being filled with and surrounded by life.

But every now and again, I want to LIVE!  A restlessness floods into my body, my being, and I just want to explode with living.  Dancing or screaming or moving or doing or anything.  It’s too much to find a single outlet.

And since I typically only look towards being, when my body rushes towards the path of doing (with an !), I am fully unsure what avenues are even available to me.

Trauma Informed Care?

Black Snake Moan = Trauma Informed Care?

I am watching the very excellent movie, Black Snake Moan.  And I thought to myself, this is kinda like trauma informed care.  A little adverse of a thought, at least on the surface.  But look at the heart of it.  Staying present with the person and accepting throughout the discomfort and the horror and the fits while they try to bring about a homeostasis that is nothing but hell for them, but they know nothing else.  It’s about creating a safe place, a safe relationship.  Being that first person that won’t re-traumatize.  Until through that safety, the individual is finally able to begin healing.

Looks a lot like trauma informed care to me.

Of course, this movie also makes me wonder about me.  Cause I’ve been where she’s been before.  Rolling in the grass just for the sensation.  Needing it so bad willing to do things that you’d never want to do.  Strikes a little to close to home and makes me wonder about that history of mine that stays forever blurry on the edge of my peripheral awareness.

Alien

I was not built for this reality.  I’ve known that for quite a long time. My thoughts, my being, me: it’s all just a half-step off from everything that IS here in this reality.  I don’t know where I belong.  I just know that it’s somewhere else.

I do know what reality I want to live in: Firefly.  Joss Whedon’s Firefly, on the ship Serenity. On the fringes of civilization, doing what’s necessary to survive.  Fighting for for the right to exist and not be fucked with.  Slowly chipping away at the lie that is civilization.  That is what I want.

And you?  What alternate reality do you want to live in?  Is it an era of time?  A web of fiction woven by an author or director?  If you could wave your magic wand, what life would you be living?

Religion is like a Penis . . .

This is the quote that I was requested to post.  I am unsure of it’s source or author.  If anyone knows, please feel free to share so credit can be given where credit is due.

“Religion is like a penis.  It’s fine to have one.  It’s fine to be proud of it.  But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.  And PLEASE don’t try to shove it down my children’s throats.”

“Just ignore the crazed sex vagina talking.”

“You’re so delicious.  You’re so soft.  Sweet on the tip of my tongue.  You taste like sunlight and strawberry bubble gum.”

~Matt Nathanson

When you ask me to talk about porn (and leave it as such a broad, unspecified topic), I assume you also want me to talk about sex.  It is a bit difficult to talk about porn without discussing sex, after all.

I’m thinking back to a discussion Josh and I had regarding the potential raising of our future progeny.  The topic of sex education came up.  In talking about it, I realized that I would like to be as honest as possible (e.g. given thier maturity level, cognitive processing abilities, current state of the world, etc.) with  my future child about sex.  “Sex,” I would like to tell my future child “is a lot of things.  It has a lot of meanings and can be used to a lot of ends.  And it will effect you in a manner directly related to the way in which you use it.  However you may choose to use it  be prepared to accept the consequences of that use.”

Sex can be used to establish and deepen a connection between people.  It can be used as a way to kill time and alleviate boredom or for hedonistic pleasure.  Sex can be used as a drug, a way to get a high or a way to escape yourself and the world.  It can be used to harm yourself or others.  It is used as a bargaining chip and can be employed in power battles between people. It can be used to fill a void, to find acceptance, to accept others, to cause pain, to create life.

Me personally, I have a pretty strong history of using sex in a confusing, desperate mixture of self-harm, acceptance seeking, and as an escape.   I have made a lot of changes to my views on sex and my use of sex.  As a direct result  of these changes, my views of myself have also drastically changed.  Much of these changes are due to my current sexual partner and what he has taught me emotionally about sex and about me.

Whichever way you use it, you need to be prepared for what this is going to say about you.  If I am willing to sleep with anyone so that I don’t have to be aware of this world for a few moments and can for just a small bit of time feel accepted, I will have to accept that I am easy.  I am cheap and willing to sell myself to the lowest bidder.  I am willing to do things I will later regret.  I also will be well liked by many, know a lot of people, and possibly ward off other symptoms of depression (drug use, alcoholism, cutting).  I may use sex as a weapon, withholding it from a relationship until my partner provides me with a specified desired object or outcome.  This will make me a cruel person, ignoring the needs/emotions of others to serve my own purposes.  It will also make me stronger.  I am the controller of my sexuality and I will have sex when I so choose, not on the drop of somebody else’s hat.  To whatever end it is that I use sex, I must accept these consequences of who this makes me.   I must negotiate this within my belief system, my personality structure, and my life.

Porn is a tool of sex, an extension of it.  In this sense, one’s view of porn and how it is used is going to greatly depend on one’s  personal belief code and behavioral patterns regarding sex.  Porn can be used as a way to relieve pressure and get on with your day.  Porn can be used in an established intimate relationship to assist the couple in further exploring and deepening the bond they have.  Porn can be used to degrade or uplift.  It is in the eye of of beholder.

There are a great many religions that despise and protest porn.  It is sin and abomination in the eyes of our Lord.  This is greatly because many religions view sex as having, at most, only two purposes: to create life and to strengthen the bond of the married couple.  Beyond this, sex is shameful and wrong and will lead to blindness and leprosy and hell.  (These views of sex also tie into the patriarchal nature of many of the religions that condemn sex.  Some feminist theorists would argue that it is a threat to males that women are able to carry and support life within their bodies.  To take back control of the production of life, male religious figures then create shame around the human body, especially the female body.  This is also part fo the reason most religions seem willing to stone a female for sleeping with man, but praise the man for yet another conquest.  But this is all fodder for another fire.)

Maybe sex will lead to blindness leprosy and hell, I don’t know.  What I do know is that, personally, I enjoy sex.  It is an intricate, intimate behavior that is a natural part of our existence.  I will not be ashamed of sex, talking about sex, or having sex anymore.  It is part of being human, of being a mammal, of life.  I now use sex for love and happiness.  I use sex to strengthen my relationship bond, I create intimacy with others, I offer acceptance and escape, I seek positive and healthy relief from stress, I share my emotions.

I try to be, at the core of myself, a non-harmist.  Do those things that cause the least amount of harm as possible and bring about the greatest possibility for love, happiness, and beauty.  And sex has great potential for being a tool of love, happiness, and beauty.  And so, as an extension of sex, porn has the same potential.  It’s up to you, though, how you choose to view it.

“I don’t feel guilty, no matter what they’re telling me.  I won’t feel dirty and buy into their misery.  I won’t be shamed cause I believe that love is free.  It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy. ”  Garbage

 

On protecting your dog from thunder

It is storming here.  Each rain drop tings off of the skylights, sounding as though someone is attempting to break in with a chisel or an ice pick.  With all the wide open space, the thunder booms and echoes like it never truly gets a chance to in town.  Rupert, my Collie/Shepherd mix, does not like thunder.  And this country thunder, with its shot gun sound, he likes even less.  Hiding behind the couch did not offer him enough protection, so now he is curled up in my lap.  Still tense and alert, but much less jumpy.

Rupert is definitely my dog and I am his human.  We have formed that neuropyshological emotional bond.  We help regulate one another and on some occasions dysregulate one another.  I pretend to feel safe for him.  To be the big strong protector of puppies, so he begins to relax, which assists in reducing my fear further.  Then the thunder makes another shot gun blast and the cycle begins again.

Last night was my first evening alone in the country in a long, long time.  And my first evening alone in a house in a long time as well.  I ran when in the living room or kitchen as they were exposed to the giant gaping bay window with no curtains.  I couldn’t see out of it, but a whole audience of spooks, rabid wildlife, peeping toms, and serial killers could be standing out there looking inf or all I could tell.  I refused to go in the garage, as the time it would take to find the light switch would be too long and thus expose me to the horrible possibility of being consumed by the dark.  I mostly coped by walking around with a paring knife and demanding both dogs accompany me anywhere I went.

Tonight I have upgraded to a decorative hunting knife I’ve had since a teenager.  Mostly because it has a case.  It’s fairly dull, but the point isn’t the knifes ability to harm someone.  The point is the knife’s ability to provide me with a false sense of security.  I am fairly confident in a down and dirty fight for my life, I would have a decent chance of survival.  I know weak points.  My husband has taught me how to rip off an ear.  My brother has provided me opportunity to develop many escape moves from strangle holds.  And my natural instinct to keep living will serve me well in poking, gouging, ripping, tearing, biting, bashing, stabbing, or damaging another in any way necessary.

But in this moment, we’re not talking about the reality of a situation.  We’re talking about the possibility, the fear, the years of societal education convincing me as a female I must have fear.  Fear of being raped or kidnapped or murdered.  I am targeted more frequently in this society, I am weaker, less able to defend myself.  This education has its purposes and its truths, but now I need to learn to balance it with my own truths out here alone in the country.  I am not defenseless.  I am neither weak nor unarmed.  And I will kill a man with a wooden spoon if need be to defend myself, my puppies, and this household!

I AM that big, strong protector of puppies that my dog believes me to be.

Sports: A Shining Example of the Horrid State of Civilization

It has been requested that I talk on the subject of sports and share my feelings regarding them.  Let me start off by saying that I think sports have an excellent place in any culture.  They have a lot of potential as a tool for learning, developing teamwork, maintaining health, etc.

However, our society takes sports to an extreme.  The degree to which we worship sport stars and the amount of time and effort invested in this venture is highly polarized and unhealthy.   Sports is an excellent example of a simple past time that has been taken to the extreme and has become a disgusting symbol of the decay, disease, and just plain nastiness that is this culture we live in.  Individuals even admit to being “fanatic” about this venture.

I feel that this diseased view of a tiny event is in part demonstrative of the desire to escape.  The society we live in IS diseased.  It IS wrong.  It IS unhealthy.  the majority of citizens, however, continue to believe the propaganda of the powers-that-be, that society is wonderful, that this excess is the true dream of happiness, that if we feel trapped and sick and unhappy and depressed there must be something wrong with us.  People swallow this bullshit and feed on it like it’s the milk of life. Believing that they are then int he wrong, they constantly seek something to fill this void of existential emptiness and yearning for meaning in a society whose only purpose is to keep them in despair to better use them as slaves.  Many choose sports.  They obsess over it.  Think it’s wonderful and awesome and actually has some meaning that it DOES NOT HAVE.  Instead of just being a game it becomes part of their reason for existence and their personality formation.

It is sick.  Individuals worship rapists, whores, asses, and generally despicable human beings because they can throw football, drive a car, or hit a ball and run around in a circle.  These sports “stars” get paid millions for what in reality is a near to worthless talent.  What about the social worker who daily works with children coming from the dregs of society.  After 30 years on the job she’s lucky to be making $25 an hour. She has held a 3-year-old’s hand while a doctors does a rape kit on her because her step-dad and 2 of his friends tied her down to a bed to use as their personal sex toy.  She stayed in contact with that 15-year-old trying to be the one positive support in his life after the judge decided to send back to his parents despite the multiple reports of physical violence and neglect perpetrated against him.  She attended the funerals of over a dozen kids or parents who the system, who society, had failed.  She has fought burn out, fought society, worked her ass off, showed a depth of concern and empathy that has outweighed her jadedness for 30 years.  But, oh yeah, she doesn’t know how to hit a home run or kick a soccer ball that well.  So OBVIOUSLY she is NOT worth millions.  No she’s worthless.  No need to worship her.  no need to support her.  To have concern about the details of her life or pour money into any events or merchandise she may be representative of.

Of course my personal hatred for the excessive obsession this society has for sports is in the combination of sports and academics.  “Ar you KU or K State?”  “What’s your team?”  How many times I have heard these questions?  WHO GIVES A FUCK.  It is a pointless obsession!  And the fact that sports over rides what is truly important about a college disgusts me.  Who gives a god damn fuck if this university can produce doctors that can save lives, their team sucks.  So what if the school had to cut art, band, choir, home ec, and drivers ed, at least they still have track team.  “But sports bring money in for other programs.”  Bull shit!  Yes they bring money in, a lot of which is recycled right back into the sports programs.   The cheerleaders get $70 warm up suits that they only wear on the bus to the game, while the art class can’t even afford to keep red paint.  If sports and academics are to be combined, then it needs to be done with balance.  Football is great if you are also able to READ and keep up your grades.  But, then again, our school systems are the main secondary phase in the insidious brain washing of this culture.  So I suppose it would make sense that this obsessive sports bullshit would start here.

A Chicken, a Dryer, a Flood, and the Man That Brought Them Together

Autumn: So today at the New Wombat Times we have a guest blogger. Guest blogger , would you like to introduce yourself to our reading audience?

Guest Blogger: Umm… It was my understanding that I would not have to speak publicly.

Autumn: Then why did you request to be a guest here today in this public format? A little odd, wouldn’t you say?

Guest Blogger: I would say. I would also say it is not to say what I would say as a guest sayer of words. But in the spirit of keeping this blog moving I shall simply start saying things. My name is Josh. Hello blog readers!

Autumn: Well, yes, yes. So is it true that you enjoy kumquats and other small furry animals?

Josh: Well I have to be honest here. I did not realize kumquats were a small furry animal. But yes I have had them, and they are delicious with butter.

Autumn: You sick, sick bastard.

Josh: What?

Autumn: I said do you. . . .lick . . . pig raptures? You know what it’s not important. Let’s move onto the matter at hand. Tell us about your arch nemesis.

Josh: Well, he wears an eye patch, has a wooden leg, and reeks of rotten fish. He works at Subway and often tries to sell me pictures of nude sandwiches.

Autumn: Wow, that must be very disturbing for you. It’s my understanding that he recently infiltrated your laundry room and instigated a horrifying series of events.

Josh: This is tr

Autumn: HEY!!! I wasn’t done speaking. Is this true?

Josh: No. But I did recently have a dramatic series of events happen to me in the laundry room of my new house to which I am blaming him for anyway.

Autumn: I thought you said that was going to be private and between us. God, I let you videotape that. I did things. . . .

Josh: Horrifying things I know…. but that is not what I was going to discuss. You see I was trying to install a new washing machine but the previous owners left their stupid rusty hose on the hot water spout. So I tried to remove it with a couple pairs of channel locks. The end result technically was a success.

Autumn: [concerned and attentive nod]

Josh: Well some might consider an exploding water pipe and gushing water down the inside of a wall a bad thing. But I did in fact get the old hose off as I intended.

Autumn: I believe you conveniently forgot to mention that this is also the part wherein you began screaming at a poor, defenseless, naive young woman in your triumph of said successful hose removal: “THE WATER! THE WATER! TURN OFF THE WATER!! TURN OFF THE [expletive deleted] WATER!!

Josh: Again, SOME might see it that way, yes. But to be fair, the young lady had very little idea that water was now filling our living room until I yelled those words. Are you aware her response was, “HOW? WHERE DO I SHUT IT OFF? I DONT UNDERSTAND!”

Autumn: Well, let’s just say that the brave young woman was able to save the entire village from calamity and successfully turn off many valves that day. Now lets move on with your story.

Josh: Well technically this is true. I still laugh at the part where she asked. “WHICH VALVE DO I TURN OFF?” and I replied with a star wars quote without even thinking about it: “SHUT THEM ALL OFF!” I think that without my superior instruction giving, those villagers would all be living in boat houses now.

Autumn: This was not the last sour turn of events for that room, though?

Josh: Sadly no this was merely the beginning. I had to make a trip into town to the hardware store where luckily I found parts to fix the piping. It required a little wall destruction but it works great now. The sad thing was that the very next item in the room was my new enemy. The dryer.

Autumn: The dryer?

Josh: Well more specifically the dryer vent tube. You see the guy who sold me the dryer also sold me a vent tube. And as I went to install said tube I discovered it was too short. So the next day I bought a new longer tube from Kmart. …. That tube ended up being complete crap and did not fit on the pipe leading outside. So once again I had to make a trip to the hardware store in town for another longer tube which then yes finally worked out great.

Autumn: And this, if my understanding is correct, was all after dragging a screeching chicken through the dryer vent in order to clean out the lint?

Josh: Well I think that goes without saying. I mean that IS the most efficient way to clean a vent tube is it not?

Autumn: That is the common knowledge. How many times was it again that you banged your head into the door frame attempting to fix the light fixture?

Josh: I believe it was three times. I can not remember exactly due to a recent head injury. Oh I think I should also mention the surgical removal of that chicken from the 90 degree bend in the tube. I had to later climb into the attic to tape and patch that connection. Chicken is doing well. He lives outside in the yard now. The dogs chew on him a lot.

Autumn: Excellent. So all worked out well then?

Josh: No. No not at all. You see I installed a cabinet I took from the kitchen to be used for laundry detergent and what have you, and I placed it above the washer on the side of the laundry room. But later it was revealed to me that because I had to move the washer and dryer over so the washer lid could open and not hit the cabinet, I apparently did not calculate the dryer door being able to open and thus it smacked into the door frame of the laundry room itself.

 

Autumn: And, as we all know, that cabinet is now relocated and the laundry room is done. So it only took 2 days, 3 trips to the hardware store, 4 trips to the attic, a chicken, an unknown number of bumps to the head, and a roll of duct tape to complete the laundry room?

Josh: Yup. Par for the course if you ask me.

Autumn: Well it has been wonderful having you today. We need to wrap this up so that we can get it on, I mean get it moving on, I mean, what ever, say goodbye.

Josh: Good bye. ….. So do I get paid now?

Autumn: You get paid when you have fulfilled all of your obligations. Now take off your. . . . .

 

 

This Blog was brought to you in part by:   Do It Hardware. Where if you can’t do it, we can help.

 

 

 

 

Post 2, Audience Participation

Hello again!  I have now figured out how to sorta work this wordpress website.  There are things I have yet to figure out, but these are currently needless details until such time as they are needed.  You may have guessed by now that this blog is named “The New Wombat Times.”  Good job!!

For this to continue with some woot-wootiness, I would like to encourage audience participation.  While it is likely that I will be randomly triggered to discuss, or “rant” as I have been accused of doing, about multiple subjects, I am more than happy to discuss/rant about whatever you would like me to.

To get the ball rolling, allow me to share some of my views on global topics.

Government: Is backed by the corporate powers that be.  Cannot be trusted fully.  Is in place to maintain the status quo of power.  This means that there are rich and powerful people in the world.  In order for them to be rich and powerful, there must exist a very large set of people that are poor and without power.  Government (at least our government, as I am unfamiliar with most other governments)  is one of the main tools that currently exists to ensure this is how civilization stays.

Politics:  politics is stupid, very, very stupid.

Religion:  I do not know that my god is a 32-year-old male of Jewish descent with shoulder length hair who hung out with 12 guys who were super interested in everything he had to say.   I feel one of the main points of being here is that WE DO NOT KNOW.  As such, I don’t like being so specific about details that don’t even have a secondary source to back them.  Furthermore, I feel that religion/spirituality is something we choose to believe (consciously or subconsciously) in order to put ourselves at ease, to bring comfort and meaning to our lives.   It may comfort millions to depend on a 32-year-old Jewish male.  It may comfort millions to make requests of an overweight man who has been through multiple cycles of life.  It  may comfort millions to seek out their long dead ancestors for guidance and assistance in thier current life.  Well these things/people/gods do not comfort me.  Being vague comforts me.  I don’t exclude what you believe: I simply choose look at the universe, not at the veins in the leaves on the twigs on the branches on the trees in the forest in the state on the plain on the continent on the planet in the galaxy in the quadrant in the universe.

Technology: is stupid.  Technology is change.  and change SUCKS ASS!  I hate change, i hate it so much.  I am a few religous beliefs and one rebellious streak away from being Amish.

Reality: is interpretable.  Every one has his/her individual reality and seems to think it is the only one that exists.  HA!  Ha ha ha ha ha!  There is no “ultimate truth” (at least not in this life format) just our individual and cumulative interpretation of the information we are able to perceive.

Sex: is awesome.  do it often.  (ha ha, that’s a double entendre if i ever saw one).  Be safe and try your best not to use it to harm self or others.

Gender roles: are societal constructs.  biology and genetics have little, little, little, little  to do with being a “man” or a “woman.”  Most of what we think of as innate male or female traits are Bullshit! created by moronic fucktards to meet their own perverse needs and then perpetuated by blindly accepting brainwashed sheep.

Sheep: We are all sheep, but we don’t have to be sheep.  RAM THE FENCE, BABY!!!!!!!   Baaaaaaaaa

Post 1

Vast numbers of individuals (2.43 individuals to be exact) have demanded that I create a blog. So, by popular demand, here it is: Ta Da. Impressive, no? So here you are at the Autublog. . . .the blogumn. . .the autblogumn. . . well the name has yet to be decided, but rest assured, the name will surely be as exciting as the blog itself. Let me show you around.

To the left is the left of your monitor/digital-viewing-device unless you are looking at it from the monitor’s/digital-viewing-device’s point of view, in which case it is the right of the monitor/digital-viewing-device, but in that case you are likely unable to read this as you are looking at the back of your monitor/digital-viewing-device, so what the hell, man? To the right, is the same as to the left, only opposite. And here in the center is the words.

Now that you are familiar with where everything is, let us have some introductions. (This is the place where you say your name, and some cliched statement about the weather or some crap. I’ll nod blandly and pretend to be interested while actually thinking about what animal you look most like (it’s a doe by the way) and being mildly disturbed that you so closely resemble a doe when you’re supposed to be a human (why ARE your eyes so big and shiny?). Now comes my introduction . . .). My name is Autumn, like the season, though more accurately I am named after a “gay guy in a movie” as the story goes, not the season as I was actually born in spring. (See and now you have reason to remember my name. I have given you an association and an odd fact to assist you in remembering it. Maybe if you had been so kind to do the same I would not currently be thinking of you as doe-face-eyes and would have actually remembered whatever it was your name was. Anyways, moving on. . .)

For those of you that already know me (or at least think you know me muwahahahaha), which at this point is likely everyone, this last paragraph was pointless, so why did you bother reading it? God, you people make no sense!!! Even I know you don’t do introductions after you’ve known somebody for months!!! Ooooooh, how about to wrap this all up, we do some random facts about me. Yay!

My go to random animal is a Wombat, even though my favorite animal is a squirrel.

I really enjoy word association games.

I claim to be an anarchist, mostly because I do not agree with the established societal structure that everyone so oddly accepts as some kind of reality.

I wear size 8 ½ shoes.

I’m not really all that sure what a wombat is.

I frequently make up words and will at times make up “facts” and have found that if you do either of these with enough confidence people will accept them or at least not question you most of the time.

I read people very quickly and can get a good feel for your personality after just 5 minutes of observing you interacting with others.

I prefer cool colors to warm colors and find it odd and slightly disturbing that people like warm colors. The world is warm enough, Goddammit!!!

Someday I would like to see a wombat so that I may better understand what it is.