20 07 2011

Most of the time, I’m fairly content to do nothing.  To just BE.  I actually enjoy “being” quite a lot.  Minimal expectations, enjoying the mere fact of just existing and being filled with and surrounded by life.

But every now and again, I want to LIVE!  A restlessness floods into my body, my being, and I just want to explode with living.  Dancing or screaming or moving or doing or anything.  It’s too much to find a single outlet.

And since I typically only look towards being, when my body rushes towards the path of doing (with an !), I am fully unsure what avenues are even available to me.


Trauma Informed Care?

18 06 2011

Black Snake Moan = Trauma Informed Care?

I am watching the very excellent movie, Black Snake Moan.  And I thought to myself, this is kinda like trauma informed care.  A little adverse of a thought, at least on the surface.  But look at the heart of it.  Staying present with the person and accepting throughout the discomfort and the horror and the fits while they try to bring about a homeostasis that is nothing but hell for them, but they know nothing else.  It’s about creating a safe place, a safe relationship.  Being that first person that won’t re-traumatize.  Until through that safety, the individual is finally able to begin healing.

Looks a lot like trauma informed care to me.

Of course, this movie also makes me wonder about me.  Cause I’ve been where she’s been before.  Rolling in the grass just for the sensation.  Needing it so bad willing to do things that you’d never want to do.  Strikes a little to close to home and makes me wonder about that history of mine that stays forever blurry on the edge of my peripheral awareness.


8 06 2011

I was not built for this reality.  I’ve known that for quite a long time. My thoughts, my being, me: it’s all just a half-step off from everything that IS here in this reality.  I don’t know where I belong.  I just know that it’s somewhere else.

I do know what reality I want to live in: Firefly.  Joss Whedon’s Firefly, on the ship Serenity. On the fringes of civilization, doing what’s necessary to survive.  Fighting for for the right to exist and not be fucked with.  Slowly chipping away at the lie that is civilization.  That is what I want.

And you?  What alternate reality do you want to live in?  Is it an era of time?  A web of fiction woven by an author or director?  If you could wave your magic wand, what life would you be living?

Religion is like a Penis . . .

8 06 2011

This is the quote that I was requested to post.  I am unsure of it’s source or author.  If anyone knows, please feel free to share so credit can be given where credit is due.

“Religion is like a penis.  It’s fine to have one.  It’s fine to be proud of it.  But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.  And PLEASE don’t try to shove it down my children’s throats.”

“Just ignore the crazed sex vagina talking.”

8 06 2011

“You’re so delicious.  You’re so soft.  Sweet on the tip of my tongue.  You taste like sunlight and strawberry bubble gum.”

~Matt Nathanson

When you ask me to talk about porn (and leave it as such a broad, unspecified topic), I assume you also want me to talk about sex.  It is a bit difficult to talk about porn without discussing sex, after all.

I’m thinking back to a discussion Josh and I had regarding the potential raising of our future progeny.  The topic of sex education came up.  In talking about it, I realized that I would like to be as honest as possible (e.g. given thier maturity level, cognitive processing abilities, current state of the world, etc.) with  my future child about sex.  “Sex,” I would like to tell my future child “is a lot of things.  It has a lot of meanings and can be used to a lot of ends.  And it will effect you in a manner directly related to the way in which you use it.  However you may choose to use it  be prepared to accept the consequences of that use.”

Sex can be used to establish and deepen a connection between people.  It can be used as a way to kill time and alleviate boredom or for hedonistic pleasure.  Sex can be used as a drug, a way to get a high or a way to escape yourself and the world.  It can be used to harm yourself or others.  It is used as a bargaining chip and can be employed in power battles between people. It can be used to fill a void, to find acceptance, to accept others, to cause pain, to create life.

Me personally, I have a pretty strong history of using sex in a confusing, desperate mixture of self-harm, acceptance seeking, and as an escape.   I have made a lot of changes to my views on sex and my use of sex.  As a direct result  of these changes, my views of myself have also drastically changed.  Much of these changes are due to my current sexual partner and what he has taught me emotionally about sex and about me.

Whichever way you use it, you need to be prepared for what this is going to say about you.  If I am willing to sleep with anyone so that I don’t have to be aware of this world for a few moments and can for just a small bit of time feel accepted, I will have to accept that I am easy.  I am cheap and willing to sell myself to the lowest bidder.  I am willing to do things I will later regret.  I also will be well liked by many, know a lot of people, and possibly ward off other symptoms of depression (drug use, alcoholism, cutting).  I may use sex as a weapon, withholding it from a relationship until my partner provides me with a specified desired object or outcome.  This will make me a cruel person, ignoring the needs/emotions of others to serve my own purposes.  It will also make me stronger.  I am the controller of my sexuality and I will have sex when I so choose, not on the drop of somebody else’s hat.  To whatever end it is that I use sex, I must accept these consequences of who this makes me.   I must negotiate this within my belief system, my personality structure, and my life.

Porn is a tool of sex, an extension of it.  In this sense, one’s view of porn and how it is used is going to greatly depend on one’s  personal belief code and behavioral patterns regarding sex.  Porn can be used as a way to relieve pressure and get on with your day.  Porn can be used in an established intimate relationship to assist the couple in further exploring and deepening the bond they have.  Porn can be used to degrade or uplift.  It is in the eye of of beholder.

There are a great many religions that despise and protest porn.  It is sin and abomination in the eyes of our Lord.  This is greatly because many religions view sex as having, at most, only two purposes: to create life and to strengthen the bond of the married couple.  Beyond this, sex is shameful and wrong and will lead to blindness and leprosy and hell.  (These views of sex also tie into the patriarchal nature of many of the religions that condemn sex.  Some feminist theorists would argue that it is a threat to males that women are able to carry and support life within their bodies.  To take back control of the production of life, male religious figures then create shame around the human body, especially the female body.  This is also part fo the reason most religions seem willing to stone a female for sleeping with man, but praise the man for yet another conquest.  But this is all fodder for another fire.)

Maybe sex will lead to blindness leprosy and hell, I don’t know.  What I do know is that, personally, I enjoy sex.  It is an intricate, intimate behavior that is a natural part of our existence.  I will not be ashamed of sex, talking about sex, or having sex anymore.  It is part of being human, of being a mammal, of life.  I now use sex for love and happiness.  I use sex to strengthen my relationship bond, I create intimacy with others, I offer acceptance and escape, I seek positive and healthy relief from stress, I share my emotions.

I try to be, at the core of myself, a non-harmist.  Do those things that cause the least amount of harm as possible and bring about the greatest possibility for love, happiness, and beauty.  And sex has great potential for being a tool of love, happiness, and beauty.  And so, as an extension of sex, porn has the same potential.  It’s up to you, though, how you choose to view it.

“I don’t feel guilty, no matter what they’re telling me.  I won’t feel dirty and buy into their misery.  I won’t be shamed cause I believe that love is free.  It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy. ”  Garbage


On protecting your dog from thunder

1 06 2011

It is storming here.  Each rain drop tings off of the skylights, sounding as though someone is attempting to break in with a chisel or an ice pick.  With all the wide open space, the thunder booms and echoes like it never truly gets a chance to in town.  Rupert, my Collie/Shepherd mix, does not like thunder.  And this country thunder, with its shot gun sound, he likes even less.  Hiding behind the couch did not offer him enough protection, so now he is curled up in my lap.  Still tense and alert, but much less jumpy.

Rupert is definitely my dog and I am his human.  We have formed that neuropyshological emotional bond.  We help regulate one another and on some occasions dysregulate one another.  I pretend to feel safe for him.  To be the big strong protector of puppies, so he begins to relax, which assists in reducing my fear further.  Then the thunder makes another shot gun blast and the cycle begins again.

Last night was my first evening alone in the country in a long, long time.  And my first evening alone in a house in a long time as well.  I ran when in the living room or kitchen as they were exposed to the giant gaping bay window with no curtains.  I couldn’t see out of it, but a whole audience of spooks, rabid wildlife, peeping toms, and serial killers could be standing out there looking inf or all I could tell.  I refused to go in the garage, as the time it would take to find the light switch would be too long and thus expose me to the horrible possibility of being consumed by the dark.  I mostly coped by walking around with a paring knife and demanding both dogs accompany me anywhere I went.

Tonight I have upgraded to a decorative hunting knife I’ve had since a teenager.  Mostly because it has a case.  It’s fairly dull, but the point isn’t the knifes ability to harm someone.  The point is the knife’s ability to provide me with a false sense of security.  I am fairly confident in a down and dirty fight for my life, I would have a decent chance of survival.  I know weak points.  My husband has taught me how to rip off an ear.  My brother has provided me opportunity to develop many escape moves from strangle holds.  And my natural instinct to keep living will serve me well in poking, gouging, ripping, tearing, biting, bashing, stabbing, or damaging another in any way necessary.

But in this moment, we’re not talking about the reality of a situation.  We’re talking about the possibility, the fear, the years of societal education convincing me as a female I must have fear.  Fear of being raped or kidnapped or murdered.  I am targeted more frequently in this society, I am weaker, less able to defend myself.  This education has its purposes and its truths, but now I need to learn to balance it with my own truths out here alone in the country.  I am not defenseless.  I am neither weak nor unarmed.  And I will kill a man with a wooden spoon if need be to defend myself, my puppies, and this household!

I AM that big, strong protector of puppies that my dog believes me to be.

Sports: A Shining Example of the Horrid State of Civilization

31 05 2011

It has been requested that I talk on the subject of sports and share my feelings regarding them.  Let me start off by saying that I think sports have an excellent place in any culture.  They have a lot of potential as a tool for learning, developing teamwork, maintaining health, etc.

However, our society takes sports to an extreme.  The degree to which we worship sport stars and the amount of time and effort invested in this venture is highly polarized and unhealthy.   Sports is an excellent example of a simple past time that has been taken to the extreme and has become a disgusting symbol of the decay, disease, and just plain nastiness that is this culture we live in.  Individuals even admit to being “fanatic” about this venture.

I feel that this diseased view of a tiny event is in part demonstrative of the desire to escape.  The society we live in IS diseased.  It IS wrong.  It IS unhealthy.  the majority of citizens, however, continue to believe the propaganda of the powers-that-be, that society is wonderful, that this excess is the true dream of happiness, that if we feel trapped and sick and unhappy and depressed there must be something wrong with us.  People swallow this bullshit and feed on it like it’s the milk of life. Believing that they are then int he wrong, they constantly seek something to fill this void of existential emptiness and yearning for meaning in a society whose only purpose is to keep them in despair to better use them as slaves.  Many choose sports.  They obsess over it.  Think it’s wonderful and awesome and actually has some meaning that it DOES NOT HAVE.  Instead of just being a game it becomes part of their reason for existence and their personality formation.

It is sick.  Individuals worship rapists, whores, asses, and generally despicable human beings because they can throw football, drive a car, or hit a ball and run around in a circle.  These sports “stars” get paid millions for what in reality is a near to worthless talent.  What about the social worker who daily works with children coming from the dregs of society.  After 30 years on the job she’s lucky to be making $25 an hour. She has held a 3-year-old’s hand while a doctors does a rape kit on her because her step-dad and 2 of his friends tied her down to a bed to use as their personal sex toy.  She stayed in contact with that 15-year-old trying to be the one positive support in his life after the judge decided to send back to his parents despite the multiple reports of physical violence and neglect perpetrated against him.  She attended the funerals of over a dozen kids or parents who the system, who society, had failed.  She has fought burn out, fought society, worked her ass off, showed a depth of concern and empathy that has outweighed her jadedness for 30 years.  But, oh yeah, she doesn’t know how to hit a home run or kick a soccer ball that well.  So OBVIOUSLY she is NOT worth millions.  No she’s worthless.  No need to worship her.  no need to support her.  To have concern about the details of her life or pour money into any events or merchandise she may be representative of.

Of course my personal hatred for the excessive obsession this society has for sports is in the combination of sports and academics.  “Ar you KU or K State?”  “What’s your team?”  How many times I have heard these questions?  WHO GIVES A FUCK.  It is a pointless obsession!  And the fact that sports over rides what is truly important about a college disgusts me.  Who gives a god damn fuck if this university can produce doctors that can save lives, their team sucks.  So what if the school had to cut art, band, choir, home ec, and drivers ed, at least they still have track team.  “But sports bring money in for other programs.”  Bull shit!  Yes they bring money in, a lot of which is recycled right back into the sports programs.   The cheerleaders get $70 warm up suits that they only wear on the bus to the game, while the art class can’t even afford to keep red paint.  If sports and academics are to be combined, then it needs to be done with balance.  Football is great if you are also able to READ and keep up your grades.  But, then again, our school systems are the main secondary phase in the insidious brain washing of this culture.  So I suppose it would make sense that this obsessive sports bullshit would start here.